The Importance of Skills Passed From Fathers to Sons

Hello,

One of the ideas I took from the book “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge is the importance of skills passed from fathers to sons. The activities that the book mentions are the ones typically associated with men, such as sports, cycling, chopping wood, fishing, hunting, etc. You get the point, there are certain skills and activities that  are typically associated with men. Now, it is up for discussion if the tendency for men to do certain activities is innate or acquired through socialization. For now, that is beyond the scope of this text.

Although I am very tempted to write about this in a general and impersonal way, I will resist the temptation and write about myself instead. Also, the perspective I will present here is not the one from the book, you will see why.

I did not learn from my father any of the skills mentioned above. Yes, my father was present in my life, we lived in the same house but he did not teach me any of the skills that we associate with men. In fact, he taught me other skills and made me have other interests. Let’s start with the skills I did not learn, in particular, the one that by far had the greatest impact in my life as a child and teenager: sports. I wasn’t taught any sports or incentivised to take any physical activities. So you might wonder: what is the big deal? Let me explain. I am portuguese and, in Portugal, football (soccer) is a big deal. Most fathers are into football, have their favorite team and watch games on weekends. In many ways, football feels more radical than religion. My father even says: “men might change their car, their woman, their religion, even their sex but they will never change the football team they support”. Moreover, the choice of the football team happens early in childhood and is a straightforward process: you pick the one your father is a fan of. In my case, my father simply did not care about football, so I borrowed the one from my uncle and cousin for a while, but it didn’t last long. Eventually, in my teenage years I also abandoned football completely.

This had huge implications in my childhood and in my interactions with other boys. The one thing boys love to do is to play football, it is their favourite game. So whenever me and my friends were all in a group and there was the opportunity to play, football was the first choice for all. All except me. I was terrible at it and on top of that I never practiced with my dad, not a single time. I had no enthusiasm for the sport and I didn’t even understand the rules properly until very late. As a consequence, when the time came for 2 of the boys to pick other boys for their teams, I was always the last or the second last to be picked. The impact of being chosen last was so deep, that even today I remember the couple of times that were exceptions, the times that I was not actually the last or second last. I remember how surprised I was and how good it felt.

To be always the last choice felt terrible and I developed big insecurities because of that. Insecurities that were reinforced time after time, since I was 3 until I was 16 years old. It only stopped at 16 because something major happened but that’s a story for another day. I developed the belief of “I suck”, and I started generalizing this belief to other areas of life.

There is a natural hierarchy that appears in a group of people and very noticeable in groups of boys. As young boys, sports were the strongest measure of this hierarchy although I must admit that I was lucky to never be a victim of bullying. Possibly because I had the right friends and I was good at other things. And here is where my father played a part. He was never really talkative but he read a lot, he still does by the way. Around the house there were always plenty of books and magazines: science fiction, music, politics, art, novels, poetry, etc. At meal time, sometimes he would talk about what he was reading at that moment. Slowly curiosity emerged in me: I wanted to know. I wasn’t interested in the classical music magazines but I was fascinated by the science stuff. I still remember how cool the “Science & Vie” magazine seemed to me. Magazine about science with shiny covers and on top of that was in french! Which made it an even bigger mystery to me because I couldn’t read it. I was super excited when I started having Science as a subject in school in the 5th grade and I loved it. Yes, I sucked at sports but I loved science and I was good at it. Now that I look back, I can see that it was probably one of the first times my father’s interests had a concrete beneficial influence in my life.

Similar to the books and magazines, my father also has a lot of music laying around: DVDs, CDs, and even tapes and vinyl. So from 12 years old onwards, music started having a huge positive influence in me and, with music, came poetry and writing. The latter one appeared later in my life, in the 9th grade when I was around 15 years old. Practicing from that age allowed me to express myself through music in my twenties, which was the only kind of genuine expression I had at the time, since talking was very difficult to me.

I also learned about photography, another of my fathers hobbies, and I was naturally good at it. When I was 16, I went to Budapest with my cousins. My father lent me a tiny olympus camera and gave me a bunch of rolls of film. Most kids or teenagers on the trip had one roll (yep, no digital cameras at that time) for a full week, but my father gave me a full bag of them. I could take as many photos as I wanted. No one had that at the time. When I returned from the trip, the film was processed in the usual shop and my father returned with the photos. He told me and my mom that the guy that processed the film thought my father had taken the photos because they were pretty good. The realization that I was good at that made me truly happy and I can tell you that at that point, I couldn’t care less about sports.

For a long time, I had a certain bitterness towards my father, I would blame him for the parts of me I did not like, I would blame him for not teaching me how to be a man or how to do manly things. However, now more than ever I can see how blessed I was. My father is a unique man and that contributed to my uniqueness too. The manly skills I did not learn, I started learning on my own and even now I am always open to learn more. However, I think it might not be as easy as an adult man to try to learn poetry, music, or create any sensibility and understanding related to those topics. With that said, it is also not easy to let go of the dark baggage I might have inherited from my father (again, that’s for another day) but now I am a man and part of becoming a man is to let go of what does not serve us.

I don’t know if my sensibility to the subjects I mentioned is in me because I was naturally born with it or I developed it along the way through exposure to those subjects. Probably a mixture of both. One thing I know: it came from my father, the same one that didn’t teach me sports or “manly” skills. So if your father did not teach you manly skills or how to be a man, do not despair, do not blame him, do not grow bitterness. He taught you something, even if you were not blessed with his presence in your life. Learn from him things to do and things not to do. Whatever happened in our life, use it to your advantage.

My own story makes me raise some questions: what are man skills after all? Although historically men have been doing certain activities and women others, does this separation have a solid base? What I feel is that there are activities that cause me to feel more of my masculinity. Through my practices of developing deep awareness and embodying different qualities, there are certainly some activities that allow me to cultivate more my masculine energy, that allow me to express it more effectively and naturally. And that is what it comes up to, what do you have inside that needs to be expressed in a healthy integrated way that is part of your masculinity? You can even try this exercise: forget all you know about the classifications of activities as being masculine or feminine. It’s hard but do your best to forget that. Now start by looking inside and find what you have there that needs to be expressed, that will make you more complete, more fulfilled. Find the right way to express it, cultivate it and explore it. Do not worry if it’s masculine or feminine, just let it be whatever it is.

There is no resentment in me towards my father anymore, in fact there is admiration and I am still learning lessons from him about events that happened in the past. I can see the good and the bad and I have a great deal of empathy towards him. I have no idea how I would have turned up if I had the life he had, so I am thankful for having him the way he is. Now as a man, I also assume different roles in his life. Sometimes I am even a teacher. I use every opportunity to influence him positively, to open his mind and to connect emotionally deeper than I was able to as a boy. Although he doesn’t talk about it, I see the changes and I feel them too.

Be grateful for the lessons your father teaches you and contact me directly if you need help dealing with father issues.

I’m Sérgio Santos,

See you soon.