Expressing Masculinity Through Active Intervention

Hello,

One of the concepts discussed by John Eldredge in the book “Wild at Heart” is “active intervention” as a key expression of masculinity. On the opposite side of active intervention, there is passivity which can arise as a consequence of repressing masculinity. You might relate to this concept by thinking about the contrast between action and inertia. In my particular case, I had a lot of the latter one. I used to be the master of finding excuses NOT to do things, especially if they involved any type of exposure. You see, for me that was a risky thing, I could get my feelings hurt, I could be judged, people could dislike me, and that created anxiety in me. 

During the time that I lived in that mind space, I didn’t call my justifications “excuses”, they were the most rational “reasons” not to do whatever I felt should be done. I couldn’t even face the fact that they were indeed excuses, it felt like I was trying to avoid looking in the mirror that was right in front of me. Although there was a certain level of denial, somehow I knew subconsciously what I was doing. It was too painful to admit it though. Not only I was unable to act, but also I was making excuses to try to justify my weakness. Of course this behaviour caused me not to feel like a man. And this came in very different flavours causing me to feel lost, purposeless, weak, incapable, while at the same time reinforcing my fears. Over time, this became a slow downhill spiral of self-harm. In the most extreme cases, I remember feeling like an animal, literally feeling like a bitten dog. This was often caused by my inability to act but also by the extra shame my overthinking mind would add on top, the extra thought “this is not what real men do”. I would often feel that I should be able to intervene, to share with someone my opposing points of view, to stand up for myself, or to simply talk. However, I felt I could not do it, that was not me, I was not that type of person. So my fear of exposure, got me stuck in the mud and it felt wrong.

For a man, it is difficult to admit that we are overtaken by fear: we are supposed to be strong after all. Not admitting it makes us feel even more fearful because then we think we don’t even have the courage to admit that, to express it in words. So the first thing I did when I was still living in the passive fearful world was to start admitting it to myself and others. In my case, I started saying it to women. This helped a lot because at the time I had troubles talking to women, so confessing my weaknesses brought me a great deal of relief. Doing this was also the beginning of breaking passivity and the pattern of excuse making. In fact, it cracked it open. What I did was not a smooth transition, therefore it created a lot of instability at times, but also a sense of pride. Although the instability was unpleasant, the pride felt good, so with repetition I started losing the aversion to this process and actually looking forward to it. Looking forward to share my weak points with friends. Telling people I’ve just met the things I was struggling with. I became able to tell my supervisor my opinions that were against his and more importantly, suddenly I was able not only to talk but to act. This all culminated with me running to grab a guy that was trying to rob a shop. That was the ultimate proof I needed to destroy that old belief that I was just a passive guy. Passivity was a deep rooted pattern of mine and often the only way to change such patterns is to literally “break” them. We use the expression “to break a pattern” and that’s how it feels, something breaking inside of us. In the more extreme cases, it might even feel like we are losing a part of us.

To change from passivity to active intervention requires more than just breaking, it also requires the action and the consistent implementation of a new attitude. It might take a while for this attitude to be implemented in an integrated way in life. What I mean is that, not only our actions might be uncalibrated in the beginning, but also there is an additional challenge: implementing it across all aspects of life. Sometimes you might think “I’ve got it! I now act like an adult.” but you are unable to do so when talking to some people, like your parents, your pattern or your boss. In other words, you might be making progress in some areas of your life but at the same time avoiding confronting the deepest fears, the biggest challenges.

However, I would say that the most important thing is to start the process and keep the ball rolling. One way of doing this is to consistently try new activities or challenges. You should especially go for things that you think you would never do or like. If you think you are not an outdoors kind of person, define that for a month you will go for walks or run outdoors twice a week. If you think you are not interested in dancing, go and try dance classes. If you don’t like jazz, start listening to it. Do all those things with an open mind and the mindset of “I am going to learn to like it. I am going to discover what is enjoyable about this. I am going to discover how this can help me grow and explore parts of myself I do not know yet”.

This is a good starting point, particularly because in the beginning your fears might paralyse you or you might feel you don’t have a direction. For that reason, just start. If you don’t know where to go, you at least know where you don’t want to be, so move away from that! That means you are starting from a rejection point of view and then you work towards getting a sense of what feels right to you. This will become more and more clear as you own your masculinity and take responsibility in your life. Couple that with a problem-solving mindset and you are set to discover your own path, embracing active intervention and embracing adulthood.

The whole process might be long, so you need to persevere, which becomes easier as you see things changing in your life and as you change inside. You start feeling more like a man and less like a boy and that is a good indicator that you are finding your path. Additionally, fear will have less weight in your life and even when you feel it, since you are prepared for action, you swim right through it because you trust your ability to handle it.

For me personally, I still spot the inner boy wanting to take over here and there, so I need to be very attentive and address those situations systematically. It is an extremely rewarding process, although sometimes challenging. Particularly, when you are trying to change those deep rooted stubborn patterns that I mentioned before.

Active intervention is key in the expression of masculinity. Society needs more men acting like men, so it is the responsibility of all of us to foster the “active intervention” behaviour. It is a natural expression of the masculine, should be nourished and respected, it should not be suppressed by men themselves or by women. The consequences of doing so are terrorizing but that I will explore another day. For now, I will add that  inside a man’s heart there is a drive for standing against, a drive for interrupting, for disrupting, for facing the unknown and for confrontation even. These all come from the manifestation of masculinity through active intervention.

If you still find yourself falling into passivity as a consequence of suppressing your masculinity, it is time to take care of that. I don’t have to remind you, you know that better than anyone else. Even if you are in denial or attempt to live in delusion, there is a part of you that resonates with this, even if it is unconscious at the moment. In the end, the truth is that every boy must become a man. Refusing to do so, brings a lot of pain to that man-boy and to everyone around him.

I would love to hear how your personal path has been. Do you find yourself making excuses not to act? Can you feel the connection between that and your masculinity?

If you are interested in discovering more about your masculinity and how to express it, contact me through email: [email protected]