Danger and Masculinity

Hello,

I have been recently reading the book “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge. The book speaks about the inner desires of every man, what makes a man feel like a man, and the inner wants that every man is born with. It shows how society tries to kill the heart of men and pushes them to become “nice guys”. This might be true now more than ever. We have terms like “toxic masculinity” being thrown around very loosely and we also have a lot of what I would call gender confusion. Moreover, nowadays there is a tendency to overprotect kids and, although girls are also affected by overprotection, boys are affected to a much bigger extent, which tends to perpetuate boyhood into the ages of adulthood.

I will point out one more thing that is impacting negatively the expression of masculinity, which is the generalised classification of masculine behaviours as bad. This can be seen when people criticize masculine traits such as competition, any type of aggressive or assertive behaviour, and even the existence of hierarchies. One example of that is when the organizers of running events give medals to everyone and call them participation medals, “everyone is a winner” kind of mentality.

From my own experience, I can say that I felt this push towards nice guyness throughout my life and when I was growing up there was way less pressure than nowadays. It took me a long time to recognize that was not good for me and even longer to eventually do something about it.

I was 29 years old when I was confronted with the idea of “what it means to be a man”. The idea was clearly put to me in the title of a youtube video: “How to be a man” by James Marshall. To read the title of the video was such a confronting moment that I couldn’t bear the thought of clicking on the video link. I knew then exactly why: I did not feel like a man. I had finally admitted that to myself. There I was, almost in my thirties and feeling nothing like an adult, nothing like a man. Worse than that was that I felt I could do nothing about it. In my mind, I was stuck in this deep well of boyishness and that was just who I was. This situation triggered in me depressive thoughts, at a time in my life when I was already devoured by loneliness and lacking social skills.

That was me, doing a PhD in a prestigious University and research institute, having way more than the basic human needs met, in many ways feeling privileged, and at the same time still lacking something that was way more significant than whatever I had at that moment.

Around a week after noticing the video I mentioned, I finally clicked on it. I’ve never thought one would need courage to click on a video but that was what it took. What was the most important thing I took from that video at the end? I could do something about my manliness or lack of it. That opened my mind to so many things I could do. The possibility of potential within me was ignited but there was yet another barrier in front of me: fear!

I thought to myself:

How can I do all those things? How can I talk to that person? How can I say “No”? How can I look someone in the eyes? How can I express my thoughts, my wants, and needs? How can I realize all that potential as a man? The answer to every question required me to go through situations and do things that were highly uncomfortable to me but that I felt deep down they were the right things to do. Things that inspired fears and anxiety in me. This might be hard to believe but I was going through this process at a time when it was difficult for me to ask someone “how are you?”. A time when fear-based overthinking ruled my life and I had to push through every single resistance to get things done. Most of the time I didn’t have enough force to push through. 

I am reading this book now and I am realizing how far I came but also what there is still to be done. Being a “nice guy” kills a man’s heart, makes us feel little, creates a vacuum inside. Over time, nothing gets better, the pain is not lower, the behaviours are reinforced and the bitterness grows. Bitterness that is then projected onto the people closest to us: our parents, friends, girlfriends, daughters, and sons… And just like that, we perpetuate this negativity that is our own responsibility to deal with. Our responsibility as men.

In the book, one of the first questions being asked is: did you ever dreamed of being a nice guy? As a kid, did you ever have that dream? What kind of games did you like to play? What kind of characters did you pretend to be? Were they nice or were they dangerous? You see, inside every man, there is a manifestation of danger, a want to be, an attraction, a dangerous side. When denied or repressed, this will either lead to passive “nice guys” or out of control dangerous guys that do the most atrocious actions to others or themselves.

So one question arises: what is the key to pursuing a path of embracing masculinity? The key is to accept, acknowledge that danger exists within. Then it needs to be integrated in a healthy useful way in your personality and your life. Although abstract, you can look at it in this simple way: in a battle between good and evil, we don’t want just the evil guys to be dangerous, we need dangerous good men too.

If you are a man, be a dangerous good one or work towards becoming one. Once you embrace this process, you will see a radical difference in the way you experience your life and the impact you have on the world. One of the main reasons for that is that your relationship with fear will change, therefore changing your ability to take risks, face uncomfortable situations, and grow. It will also change your relationship with others because you will be able to talk more freely and act in situations where a man is needed to act. You will start seeing how much that “manly” action is needed and how much the “nice guy” tends to be afraid of confrontation. You will also spot people that use this fear of confrontation to take advantage of others, but now you will have the power and will to do something about it. You see, this integration of the dangerous side implies taking responsibility, stepping up to adulthood, and abandoning the childish behaviours that might still be quite prevalent in you.

This process is challenging but well worthy. In fact, it is absolutely necessary to live a life of purpose and experience true freedom. The alternative is to carry a lot of unnecessary pain your whole life.

Can you relate to my story? Do you feel you have a dangerous side? Do you find yourself often not feeling like a man? I can help you to express your masculinity so you can find your own voice. Contact me directly through email: [email protected]

That’s all for today. See you soon.