Go Through Hell – See and Feel Everything

I have recently listened to an interview with Ido Portal, a movement coach that helps athletes of different kinds getting better at what they do. The way he thinks and what he does is quite unique, so I always learn a lot from his interviews. In this particular interview, there was something that stood out, something that applies, not only to the particular example he was giving, but also can be generalized to other areas. Something that has to do with human nature.

Ido was talking about one of the differences between young fighters and old fighters. He was saying that young fighters are way too reactive but old fighters are not reactive enough. You see, through fighting, most fighters start to become desensitized and he explained that it is hard to “go through hell, see and feel everything”. When what is going inside becomes hell, one of the automatic human coping mechanisms is to become desensitized. This does not apply only to fighting, it applies to any sort of trauma, anything that is overwhelming, too much to deal with.

In my life, I found myself entering this process of desensitization, of non-reactivity, as a protection mechanism. In my case, it was not because I was a fighter, I was not. I was also not being submitted to any kind of physical abuse but there was some pain that I struggled to deal with. One of the ways I used to cope with this emotional pain was to desensitize and try to become inert. This coping mechanism has a price, one that is paid at the moment of the emotional suppression and a cumulative one that is paid later as a result of suppressing emotions over time.

It is important to mention that this process did not happen consciously, it was something that emerged out of the mental and emotional chaos. Later in my teenage years, I was almost (not fully) aware that I was doing this, actually people pointed it out to me but I would refuse to admit it or even consider it. So I lived in denial, while at the same time being sort of proud of the inert mental state I could put myself in. This came with a strong identification with being a “loner” and the fantasy in my head of that being kind of cool. Well, it was not cool and until this day I feel some of the consequences of that avoidance strategy and sometimes I still need to consciously overcome the tendency to fall back into it.

Deep down I knew that was not a healthy way to deal with pain but at the time I did not know there was another option. In fact, I just felt that I was like that and therefore I was doing what I was supposed to do. However, something changed in my teenage years. First because I fell in love with a girl that then became my first girlfriend. So love flooded me and naturally unblocked many of my builtin resistance. At the same time, poetry happened. In school, in my portuguese classes we were studying poetry and one of the authors we were studying had a poem whose name translates to “Feeling everything in every way” (In portuguese, “Sentir tudo de todas as maneiras” by Álvaro de Campos). Just reading the title for the first time was a shock for me because it was the exact opposite of the way I was living my life.

I remember reading this poem for the first time. I was next to the public library outside school, I was alone, having one of my “loner” moments, reading it slowly, letting each and every word resonate deeply with me. I was fascinated and felt: I want some of this, I want to start living my life towards what he is describing. I wanted to start feeling more, more intensely, more variety. I wanted to experience the good and the bad, whatever there was in the world to experience. This was my initial desire but it took me more than 10 years after that to actually feel the big significant changes. So this event only woke up a new part of me but this part of me was not integrated in my life right away, I put it to the side.

I still consider this initial moment important because I never have had that desire before. However, my tendency in the following years was for me to try to ignore and push away that attraction for new experiences, for more intensity. I had this desensitization deep-rooted in me. After all, I had been a very successful strategy to avoid the full intensity of pain. Yes, I was paying the price of not feeling all the other things as intensely as well, but at least I was safer or I thought I was safer. That was the way I justified it, the way I made excuses to be desensitized.

Something else needs to be pointed out. During this time, I also built consistent calmness. This calmness was useful in various situations throughout my life, which reinforced my identification with the inert state. My point is: it is not a good idea to be too much on one side or another. Like Ido points out, some reactivity is needed. So I would say that the goal is to understand when it is needed and use it effectively.

Part of my work even now is to unprotect myself, to expose myself and feel deeply all the extension and details of my emotions. To be comfortable, vulnerable and strong simultaneously when opening my heart and seeing identifications consciously for what they are. Then, it becomes easier to go through hell, seeing and feeling everything. This applies to what is happening in the present but is also the exact same process used to “process” past trauma. You might need to evoke these traumatic events from the past and now with a new strength and different tools, let the emotions come, let hell come. Now you can work on other ways to deal with those same experiences, ways different from desensitization. So you can integrate the past damaging experience in a healthy manner in your conscious mind and even take lessons from it.

Just like me, you might be going through a similar process of opening up and being able to go through hell. Or, if that is not the case, you can start now by first becoming more aware of your reactivity. Are you too reactive, exploding easily, wasting too much energy, creating unnecessary pain? Or are you too much on the other side? Inert, passive, non-reactive, with the tendency to suppress emotions. Work on discovering the answers and as you explore this, you might notice that this might be situation-specific, so take note of that and consciously make the corrections that are in accordance to what you feel is right.

I will finalize by addressing another dimension of Ido’s comment: aging. There are unavoidable consequences of aging, and those we can only work towards accepting them and adapting ourselves to them. However, there are others that are a consequence of repetition over time. These can be patterns, behaviours, mindsets, coping mechanisms that, when repeated over time, lead you to become bitter, aggressive, passive or non-reactive. In the worst case, you can even be reinforcing a trauma by repetition. Therefore, it does not matter how old you are on paper, it matters what you are repeating and for how long. The good news is that once identified, you can do something about these patterns. It might seem hard, difficult to believe but why not give it a try?

I hope this is useful to you. If you need guidance to start this process, contact me ([email protected]) and let’s arrange a free session where I will initiate you into the beginning of transformation.

I’m Sérgio Santos,

See you soon