Are you in love with anxiety?

Are you in love with anxiety?

One of the darkest sides of anxiety is that we can fall in love with it. In such circumstances, any attempt to control it, manage it or overcome it becomes an extremely daunting task. Furthermore, we experience extreme resistance to anything that we interpret as a threat to our anxiety.

This aspect of anxiety is rarely talked about but I experienced it first hand on my own journey years ago. Simply put, a part of me loved my anxiety. To be clear, I never liked to be triggered, I never liked the visceral stress response I used to have, I didn’t like to feel powerless or fearful. However, a part of me deeply identified with characteristics that were a consequence of my anxiety and even with anxiety itself. Let me give you an example and elaborate on it.

Anxiety made me avoid interactions with others, which meant I would spend a considerable amount of time alone. As a consequence, I felt I was a “loner”. To justify my inability to handle anxiety and everything that came with it, I developed this belief that being a loner was cool and I rejected anything that threatened that belief.

In the overthinking space of my anxious mind, I had all sorts of fantasies and stories to justify my behaviour and my beliefs. Not only I justified being a loner, but also I justified the anger that showed up in my defensive reaction against what questioned my fantasies. I was not aware at the time but, unconsciously, I rejected anything that threatened what I felt was my identity. Now I can see it was only a false identity but at the time I was blind. Being a loner wasn’t cool, it wasn’t even an option, it was just what I had to do to survive.

The ego protected this false identity which was a direct result of my anxiety. It wasn’t truly me, it was a mirage I was attached to and with time I developed a toxic love relationship with it. Fear fueled this relationship and any other alternatives to relating to anxiety were scarier than that one. I thought that if I were to lose that mirage, I wouldn’t have anything else left.

One of the results of this toxic love was that I was deeply critical of anyone else that wasn’t like me. There was very little empathy in me because I had to reject everyone different from me. The differences I could observe in others were the proof that change was possible and I refused to accept those differences because I was scared of failing if I attempted change.

The false love relationship I had with anxiety and everything that came with it was similar to any toxic couple’s relationship that is held together by fear. Just like me, a couple in such a scenario will see everything outside of them as a threat and will react defensively against it, having the tendency to isolate themselves from the world and fuel each other’s false beliefs.

It was impossible for me to change while I was stuck in this convoluted web of attachment to my own anxiety, my false sense of identity and my fear-based behaviour. Change was not a possibility during that time because I was not open to it. Therefore, there was no therapy, coaching or guidance that would have worked effectively. While in that mind space, I just attacked any attempt from others to help me. That’s why for the most part, I just hid my anxiety as best as I could.

One of the most significant steps when working towards overcoming anxiety is to let go. One cannot change without leaving behind what can sometimes feel like a part of ourselves, of our identity or our personality. One cannot create the new without destroying the old. I believed I was a loner, I believed I was shy, not social, stiff, closed, worthless, but I was wrong. Many of my personality traits were only there because of anxiety, so once I started overcoming it, those traits naturally started disappearing. They were never truly who I am, they were just a reflection distorted by fear that once removed, allowed my true expression to appear.

The level of well-being that comes with such a transformation is unimaginable for the anxious brain. Nothing can realistically explain it, one needs to experience it. It is also a process that takes time, work and practice, therefore the results come progressively. The more you invest in it, the more you get from it.

Anxiety causes more than suffering. Anxiety prevents us from expressing ourselves truthfully, it diminishes our range and intensity of pleasurable emotions, it sequesters us at many different levels and does not allow us to experience life to the fullest. The work towards managing anxiety better, or even overcome it, is not only about running away from pain, it is about walking towards freedom.

By now, you most likely understand what I mean by being in love with anxiety. Therefore, if you have been struggling for a while, it is a good idea to ask yourself: am I in love with my anxiety? Followed by: am I being honest with myself? Although you might not have thought about it in these terms, this pattern is very common and it can lead us to be stuck forever in a state of rejection. 

Sometimes we can get stuck because we don’t find the right tool or we don’t find the right guidance. However, quite often we are the ones holding ourselves back. A good indicator of that is the resistance we feel inside towards challenging ideas (maybe even the ones described in this text). Other good indicators are the emotions accompanying our reactions. If we feel anger, resentment and defensiveness, then the ego is behind that, fear is driving our reaction and we are likely in a toxic love relationship with our anxiety.

Just like in any other toxic relationship, one must eventually break up. This in itself can be painful but it has to be done. Then we have to replace it with a healthier relationship. In practice, this is about changing our attitude, being open to new practices and experiences, giving them a genuine try and keeping going. This is also about implementing daily practices to cultivate love, connect to it and in this way connect to others too. It is about changing habits, breaking old patterns in a systematic manner and doing one of the biggest challenges we can have: changing the way we deal with fear itself.

I had to do all of these (and more) to overcome anxiety completely. There was no magic solution or single approach that took care of the whole transformation. To be effective at dealing with anxiety, one needs to implement one’s own process and this process must be interactive, constantly adapting and applied in real-life scenarios.

When we suffer from anxiety, there are many things that we cannot control. Nonetheless, there is something we usually have control over which is our attitude. If you suspect that you are in a toxic relationship with your anxiety, be aware of the attitude that appears when you first react to something that challenges that relationship. Stop, take a deep breath and then consciously change your attitude with great care and open-mindedness.

If you are interested in managing better your anxiety and need some guidance on how to work towards overcoming it, I have a program that can help you with that. To find more information about my offer contact me through email ([email protected]).