Why did I use to hide?

In a recent conversation about partners showing avoidant behaviour, I was reminded that I myself used to have this kind of behaviour frequently in the past. It is easy to forget but, since I had to dive deep into those memories and into how I used to feel, I thought I should share what can go in the head of someone behaving in this way. 

I have a lot of chances to talk about my personal story, about my transformation, my challenges from previous times and my preoccupation with wanting to hide. I used to even fantasize about living my life without being seen. At that time, this was a behaviour completely driven by my unconscious mind and I identified with it, I thought it was part of me. Recently, I was asked directly about what was going on in my mind, why did I behave that way, and what do I see now that I didn’t at the time. I’m glad there are always people willing to challenge me.

The reason why I wanted to hide was that deep down I felt I wasn’t enough and this feeling used to haunt me. More importantly, I truly believed it, so I didn’t want anyone to realise that I wasn’t enough. I had to do my best to hide it no matter what, otherwise shame would completely take over. In fact, shame was always present and that was an additional reason to hide.

I carried shame with me everywhere and close relationships were the ones affected the most. I remember situations where I felt exposed, shameful and on top of that I added guilt. Guilt from doing it wrong again, from failing again, from being awkward again, from being stupid again… All these thoughts went through my mind, affecting the way I saw myself and, as a result, my whole life.

The impact of shame and not feeling enough is huge in relationships, and goes beyond what is evident at the surface level. From personal experience, I can say that it is not only what I did in moments of extra pressure, when I thought I was going to be exposed and was willing to even throw my partner under the bus if needed. I would drive the attention to her, crack a joke, or make fun of her. At the time I was so concentrated on myself because for me, it was a matter of survival. I rarely felt that it was over the line but now I see many moments when my behaviour was childish, disrespectful, and very far from my standards as a man.

Acting from that space of shame made me be very defensive and fearful. I was afraid of feeling my own emotions, and that’s really what an avoidant is avoiding. It’s not the external situations that are being avoided but rather what is generated inside.

The avoidant behaviour affected my connection with my partner at the mental, emotional and sexual level. So it wasn’t just my convoluted behaviour, when there were other people around, that would affect the relationship but also moments with just the two of us. This would also manifest in words that I would never say, fears that I would never share, experiences that I would run away from, excuses that I would make. I was leaving so distant from the truth, from my truth, and the worst part was that I wasn’t even taking responsibility for it.

If this text resonates with you, I can help you with it. Contact me through email: [email protected]